I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
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When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”