All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
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7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.