Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
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Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.