every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
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It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day