4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
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Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
23. the denim jacket
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?