Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
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Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Camping tip: No.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*