Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
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when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.