alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
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for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.