The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
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Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.