This 4th of July, please remember…
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Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”