I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
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the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?