Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
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In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.