Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
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My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Pat is about to own someone
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29