Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
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If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
They’re called werewolves.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.