Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
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My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.