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I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Put a ring on it
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out