You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
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And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
i really liked this one
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”