Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
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back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Oh. My. God.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
an octopus is just a wet spider
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?