My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
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5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I love you…
…r dog.
This is true.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
…..pretty much.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop