Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
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You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…