As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
You Might Also Like
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.