Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
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I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
What the hell happened here.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
“No way.” -Jose
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new