”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
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Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Go hard or stay average
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair