The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
You Might Also Like
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Another interesting #factupdates post!
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Eating wings is the opposite of flying