[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
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A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*