[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
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If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Huge, if true.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.