In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
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When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.