Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
You Might Also Like
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.