Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
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Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.