My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
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I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.