me talking to family:
βΆπββββββββ 00:02me talking to friends:
βΆ πββββββββ 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix βPopplesβ series & live action Flintstones movies:
βΆ πββββββββ 1:54:28
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Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
βTrust your gutβ
the thing that canβt handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you βbruhβ for the first time
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
everyone (crying, begging): pleaseβ¦you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
hello. i am the βfriendβ everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no β€οΈ
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, itβs her floss
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only βdisappointedβ in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there