GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
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Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.