When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
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The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
For those that worship cheese..
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message