I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
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The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?