I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
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How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow