[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
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Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time