He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
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Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
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He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
A friend helps you before you need it
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.