me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
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[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
british sex workers really pound for pound
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.