I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
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american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Mad Max Arctic Road
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.