Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
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[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Most fashion shows these days…
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.