WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
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I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
doing some research
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES