this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
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Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Just a reminder, folks:
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it