*limbos away from your hug*
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jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.