I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
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I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter