ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
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Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.