Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
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Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*