C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
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Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar