I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
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The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.