“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
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That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.