If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
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Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
just having fun
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
this is the news I live for
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.